confessions

This will be a confession. Firstly I only have a handful of readers, and people which I don't want them to know much about my life doesn't know about this blog.

I have a very fucked up life. I often blame people around me, but the main problem is me. I am lazy as hell, I love to spend money, I am irresponsible and childish.

I blamed myself for my mum's death, cause deep inside me I know I caused a part of it.

My relationships never ended wisely. I end it up in a very fucked up way, and I handle it in a very fucked up way.

I quit my job and everything cause I realized I couldn't handle it, and my irresponsibility makes things worst. I thought going college would change me, and give me the life I want.

First month I went to college, everything was fine. Until I met some friends which are crazy party people, and I got effected ignored my studies and went party again. I fucked up my studies and attendance, middle of it, I couldn't continue, I realized I didn't like business, to escape from the truth that actually I'm scared to face the failure I stopped MUFY and changed to One Academy.

Second month in college, in valentine's, I had a new boyfriend. His name is Ali. He's egoistic, blunt, irresponsible sometimes, fucked up his studies, but a good social person. He's like me. I fall in love with me.

He thought I was matured, he thought I could change the way he lives. He doesn't want to be fucked up anymore. I thought I can do it.

End up because of my irresponsibility i fucked things up again. I disappoint him.

But I love him. He wants to move on, he doesn't want his old life. He expect me to do the same. Me being lazy, I screwed things up.

I love him. But I didn't do anything to prove it to him. Prove it to him that things would be different, prove it to him that our relationship can make things better. He doesn't want to be like old times, and he knows if I can't do it myself, he can't do it as well. He expect me to do something different.

My love was childish, my love was just about romantic stuff. My love forgot to include two person facing things together, helping each other, support each other to a better living. I thought I know love, but I don't know how to do it.

I forgot that relationships is not only about romance. I expect too much romance from him, I expect a relationship like in the books or movie, but I forgot about putting effort.

I was always angry that he never do something romantic with me. I wonder how could relationship be like that. I forgot that he had many troubles he needs to handle and he is struggling with himself to make our life better, he was tired by doing it alone and me complaining about useless romance stuff.

I'm a very selfish person. I only care about fun, but I choose to forget effort. That's why my relationships doesn't go on smoothly.

I don't care about my life. I thought it was cool, I thought I'm young, I thought nothing will happen, but I forgot it actually changes things. End up I hurt people, I lost people's respect and trust.

What is love?

I still don't know. But I think I'm starting to figure things out. I have to take care of myself. I can't waste money just the way I want. I can't let things go away and not care bout it. I can't just care of having fun but forgot bout daily routine and responsible.

I sabotage the trust and love people had for me. And I blame people for not giving me it.

Today is 1st of August, 2011. I promise to myself, next year same date, when I read this, I will read it with a smile, cause I will be a complete different person. A year time for someone to change is long, I will do it as hard as I can. I hope my life, will be fill with laughter, no tears, no angriness, no hatred.