A thought of love

My relationship with Ali hasn't been smooth, in fact people who knows us dearly knew that we fight most of the time.

Doesn't matter how people sometimes gets envious over our faithful and strong love for each other, we do have hard times as well.

Firstly, I couldn't stand his temper. I have no idea why, but this happens to all my relationships. Guys I'm together with always have a really bad temper. He gets pissed easily, and its freaking hard to cool him down.

Secondly, he has trust issues with me. Doesn't matter how hard I try to prove to him that I did not lie, he would never trust me. I know that in a relationship trust is a very important thing. And I have no idea why he couldn't trust me, I hide a lot of things in the past, but recently I open up as much as I could. But not trusting me for small things, its a big problem to me.

Thirdly, no matter what, he never put aside his ego and comes up to me. Sometimes, I feel like I'm always chasing him around, begging him to forgive me, begging him to see me, begging him for everything. It actually made me feel so bad. And sometimes I hate myself for it. I'm actually a very egoistic person, and my pride really wins everything. So basically chasing my boyfriend around makes me kinda angry, but all the time, I put aside my ego, and hold this relationship tight.

Sometimes I couldn't help but wonder, if you hold something too tight, it will have a reverse effect and things will get worst, right? If you choose to let it go, give it a little space, maybe things will be smoother, like a rubber band. I always believe, in a relationship, everyone should put down their pride, and be honest and frank to each other. If you could be naked in front of your loved ones, why couldn't you let your heart and mind be naked to that person as well. Isn't that why relationship is so precious? Cause you don't have to hide, or act in front of someone you love. You could show your weakness, you could show everything, and if that person truly loves you, he would accept you.

That's why I hate playing mind games in a relationship.

Ali somehow made me feel weak, like I have no saying power in this relationship. Although he says I always do what I want, and not caring about his feelings or situation. I still try very hard to figure that out, cause I somehow feel the same way.

I put down my pride and ego in this relationship. Some people call it stupid, that you should be a little hard to get for guys so they would appreciate you more. I never understand that theory, cause being in love isn't like a game to me. If you love someone, you would appreciate that person, cause love, especially great love, doesn't come easily. But, I expect the other party would be the same as well.

Having thoughts like, 'even though I lose this person it doesn't matter at all, cause I will find another one' is so stupid for me. Meeting someone you love, going through ups and downs together, exchanging thoughts and mind, planning the future, and all this things will not be the same with the next person you meet. It will be different. What if, the comfort you get from this person, is not the same you get from the other person? You just lost a love that gives you the comfort.

Maybe I'm wrong. But, I still believe, loving isn't easy, it takes a lot of courage. And, it needs both parties, to love the same.