a thoughtful moment keeps the psychiatrist away : P

People will be shocked to see the real me after knowing what I've been through for the past 5 years. 5 years of hell should made me a whole different person, I should be like this & that, but still, if you know me, you will be shocked and maybe, most probably go to the kitchen and bring a knife to chop me into pieces.

I don't like calling myself mature, although I should be matured. I am actually a pretty disappointing person, you know, and its not that I don't care, I'm just too lazy to change it.

Somehow I come up with something that says that I don't like people thinks I should be like the person I should be. I find it quite frustrating, and it hurt my pride. When you can't live up to people's expectations, you either give up, try harder or leave it alone.

Well I leave it alone. :p

I am very frustrated with my life!! I hate handling matters, sit down there and think what should I do. I love having fun all the way and runaway from problems. : )

But recently I guess I was shocked with my age. I'm supposed to live past the age of 'drink-till-I-passed-out' or 'party-like-there's-no-tomorrow'. I actually kinda get bored with it, instead longing for those soul searching trip where I can discover my true self. : )

Party is no longer fun where you see people your brother's age behaving like you used to be. You somehow will think, why am I still stuck here?

It's kinda depressing actually, that I am still stuck in this stage, where I don't have a diploma or a degree yet, when I see my friends are going to graduate or start working like a workaholic. I felt envious, and shameful for my irresponsible act for the past few years, or till now.

But, there's always a BUT. I don't know what kind of life I want. I know myself. I don't like to be stuck, I don't like to feel suffocated, that's why I ran away from business line, although its actually an easy way out for me. And I'm so scared that the new path I chose will somehow be a rocky road, and I might not be able to face the challenge and will end up running away from it again.

I need a lot of support and encouragement. I'm a person who can't live alone and stay strong. I love to feel needed, and needing. : ) It's sad, but living in a world filled with human beings means that nobody should be alone. With supports, I know I can go through any kind of shits. But, what if one day these supports left me? What am I suppose to do?

I understand anything, anyone will leave you one day soon. And feeling left alone, weak are just normal. I have to go through it, stay strong and find a new support, and smile everyday. : )

I believe a lot of people are lost like me, stuck in a space where you have no idea what's going on with your life, what should you do in the next step, where should I escape etc etc. i want to meet these people, encourage them and myself, and find a new goal in life with them. It won't be a lonely trip at least. : )

I believe I'm over with my old fun times, all I want is a stable and healthy relationship, a sturdy career ( or study  for me), and a group of decent friends where are crazy enough to laugh with me, listen my shits, and be there for me. I won't stop drinking for sure, alcohol is something miraculously brings out the cheerfulness inside of everyone. But I want to drink with people that are worth with, that won't take advantage, and talk about politics, gossip, religion, relationships and everything.

Life should be complete like this right? As long as its not empty, and its happy. : )